Communication In BDSM – The How’s & Why’s

When it comes to tying one another up and doing all kinds of wicked things to one another, nothing matters quite as much as good communication. Whether you’re communication what you like, what you won’t do or what went wrong (or well!) in a scene, it’s absolutely paramount that we keep good communication open with our partners. Below, we’ll be sharing with you a handful of tools we use to keep communication open in our relationship.

When we communicate, it’s really vital that we set the dynamic aside for a time. Regardless of how fun and kinky and sexy things might seem, it’s important to remember that you are still just two very ordinary people, coming together to form this spectacular partnership. In order to keep that going smoothly, there will be times that you need to be able to take a step back and you (or your partner) will need to be able to speak freely, regardless of your roles.

Whatsapp – When it comes to quick and direct messages, nothing could be more useful for us than Whatsapp. It’s end-to-end encryption means that our messages are private, so nobody can read them without our saying so. We know many Dominants and submissives who use Whatsapp, and all of them use the app to keep communication consistent and open. Even if not Whatsapp, a handy chat app that you both use (Kik, Facebook Messsenger) is useful, too.

Phone Calls – Call me, maybe? Who can resist the charm of a good old-fashioned phone call? Again, put your dynamic aside and just chat. Call because there’s a problem. Call because you care and you want to check in and see how they are. Call because they’re having a bad day and you want to offer some support. Whatever your reason, just call! For submissive partners, hearing your Dominant’s voice can be very reassuring!

Dinner Dates & Coffee Mornings – Obviously you won’t want to be discussing your innermost deviant desires in a crowded Italian restaurant, but for just the two of you, what can be better than dinner and wine for two at home? Light some candles, play some soft music and just talk and connect over dinner. Does that feel too intense? Brew some coffee and get cosy by the fire instead. Put your dynamic aside for the moment and talk about it as a project that you are both working on (because that’s sort of what it is!). Talk about what you like, what you don’t like, and what is or isn’t working for you. Life is short, so make this work for you.

Checklists– BDSM Checklists allow us to talk about our kinks and fetishes with our partner in a way that we can talk about both what we have and haven’t done, and what we want and don’t want to do. Think about it less as a to-do list and more like a menu. If you don’t like or don’t want the artichoke soup, don’t order the artichoke soup – it’s just that simple!

Many checklists exists and some are more extensive than others. It is important that you both complete the list individually so that you can discuss any interests that you don’t quite agree on. It’s also important not to pressure each other, but rather to try and understand each others’ interests and hang-ups with an open mind.

Curious? You can download our Free Printable Checklist here:

Shared Diaries – To think that what started my blogging abilities was a journal, it’s quite remarkable! But when it comes to relationships (and BDSM relationships, more particularly), a shared diary can be a useful tool. Deside what you’ll use, and who will write in it. There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to keeping a diary. You could use an online platform Penzu or Livejournal, or you could keep a physical diary. You could both write in it, you could keep a diary each and swap them and read them, or you could have just the submissive partner keep a diary as part of your dynamic. Talk, and agree on what works for you.

Remember, just like any of the other decisions you make, there are no rules on what forms of communication you use. It’s your dynamic, only you get to make the rules!

Until next time,

Stay safe & have fun,

Helen & Matt xx