TMI Tuesday – 8th December 2020

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1. Are women natural seducers or are men?

Hmm no. I think it can go both ways, it’s just knowing what the opposite sex likes. I’ve met women who don’t like six pack abs (myself included) and I’ve met men who don’t like big tits and hair extensions. The biggest curse for men today, I think, is the believe that you can spray on deodorant and you won’t need any aftershave. A trimmed beard and a good aftershave? I’m done for.

2. Which of the following statements most closely matches your sexual attitude?

a. Sex is best when you focus on your own pleasure.
b. Sex is best when I can totally meld with my partner and feel as one.
c. Sex is best when the purpose is that of conceiving a child.
d. Sex is just a behavior; don’t put too much importance on the act, just do it the way you like and need.

Can I have all 4? I think a lot of it depends on my mood, but okay, let’s go through them:

A) I mean, who doesn’t love an orgasm? If I don’t get an orgasm, I’m probably going to be pretty fucking pissed about it. If I give and don’t get an orgasm when I want one (which admittedly, is not always) you can expect that we won’t be talking for a few hours. I’m not going to give, just to have to sort myself out while my partner kips.

B), maybe this one is the most prevalent for me as I love sex to be about the connection. Okay, so I’m a huge lover of all things sensual and for me, it has to be all about the experience. If I serve up a three-course dinner and wine but there is junk all over the floor, that’s a bad experience to me. If I invite you for coffee but the dryer is on in the corner of the room and my lounge feels like a sauna, again, bad experience. In the same way, I need a clean floor, I need clutter-free surfaces, not overflowing bins and not too much light, though I do like some light, you know, ambient light. If it’s free of distractions, it’s completely sensual and focused, that’s perfection.

C), now, I have a breeding fetish, so sometimes this one is really fun to get into. It’s important to understand that a breeding fetish is not necessarily about actually getting pregnant or having children (hence, we usually use hormonal contraception). For me/us, it’s about the risk and the intensity. It’s about the sex that’s so rough, deep and usually bareback, you could easily get pregnant if your contraception fails. Dark? Yes, but fun.

D) I mean, yeah, I guess? You know, it’s primal, sex is primal and I like being primal. Primal play is fun, fun, fun. It usually involves biting and growling, and believe me, that shit is hot. It’s not often we get into primal play, but when we do..

3. Do you need to feel emotionally connected to enjoy sex with another person?

Often times, yes. You know, Sunday night Mr Wolfie and I were having this conversation, and it started off with me saying how, in the new year and once things have calmed down, we really need to find us some new friends that we can have dinner parties with. So it goes, hopefully in the new year we are getting a small conservatory that will act as a dining area and back door out onto our garden, given our flat doesn’t currently have one and walking around the perimeter of the building to get to the garden is a major headache. Anyway, I said about having dinner parties with like-minded friends and I said, quite casually, that they would probably have to be kinky too, just because that’s quite a big part of who we are. One thing led to another and we ended up discussing swinging and both agreed that it wouldn’t work for us, just because we both have the need to form some sort of emotional attachment before it can become sexual. Realistically speaking and to date, there are probably only two men that I know well enough to consider sleeping with, maybe, just because of how well I know them. 

4. Are you allowed to be sexual? Explain.

Oh darling, absolutely. Positively encouraged, in fact! I have quite an active, creative imagination and Mr Wolfie is always encouraging that from me. He loves what my mind comes up with and sometimes I’ll shake my head as though to dispel a thought, and he’ll always say “no, tell me”. That kind of dominance is pretty fucking sexy..

5. Agree or Disagree. Sex without love is meaningless.

No, disagree. Sex can be just that, it can be primal and emotionless. Just because sex is better with love, doesn’t mean to say that sex without it is meaningless. I’ve had virtual involvements with men that I didn’t love, but explored even my darkest fantasies with me. I respected them immensely, I just didn’t love them. Love is something much, much deeper and sometimes, you have to forgo one to explore the other. One of Mr Wolfie’s biggest reservations is hurting me in play because he loves me so much, so it can be fun to explore with someone who doesn’t have those emotional hang-ups!

Bonus: Conventional wisdom (but not research) says that women value monogamy more than men. Is this true for you?

Actually, no. In my marriage, my husband probably values monogamy even more than I do. One of the times that non-monogamy was a really big issue for us was when my husband went online and showed off his body on camera while I slept. I was angry and hurt, but I wasn’t actually angry and hurt by what he did (I was rather turned on, in fact!). For me, what hurt was the fact that he’d harped on and on about monogamy, on and on about faithfulness and out of respect to him, I’d agreed. I had an accidental emotional affair one time (I didn’t even know they existed back then, I just thought we were good friends!) but apart from that, I was always faithful. I knew my body only belonged in my marriage!

Anyway, when found out about this camera episode, I was really hurt and angry that he’d done this behind my back. We hadn’t talked about it, we hadn’t agreed on it, he’d just been and done it. Trust and communication in a relationship is everything and I often say that “if you haven’t got trust, what do you have?”. Non-monogamy would be fine for me, as long as explicit trust and communication was there. I was explicitly clear in that what he’d done didn’t bother me, it was the deceitful way he’d gone about it that hurt me so much. I told him that if he’d told me what he wanted to do, I probably would have even stayed up to join in on the fun. There is a silver lining though because we’re both much more open and honest about what we want to explore now – whether or not it involves other people!

Alright lovelies, I hope you enjoy this post and have a wonderful Tuesday afternoon/evening.

Until next time,

Stay safe & have fun.

Helen xx

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