Why Do I Feel Anxious Before A BDSM Scene?

Good afternoon lovelies,

Today, I wanted to break away from my normal pattern and talk about something that impacted me last Friday. Maybe it impacts you too, in fact, if you Google “anxiety before BDSM”, you’ll get hundreds of results on sites like Reddit and Quora. Anxiety before a BDSM scene is far from uncommon and while it’s not unusual, it’s also seldom talked about. Almost any kinky movie paints BDSM out to go seamlessly and stress-free, so when things don’t go quite as we imagined, we think it’s us who are to blame.

The six possible causes I will be discussing today will be psychological, but there are potential physical causes (hunger, thirst, tiredness), too. Of course, it should be common sense to consider what you have consumed ahead of a scene. I should not need to tell you to eat and drink, the causes we’ll be discussing today are about your thinking processes, and thoughts around BDSM.

My recommendations on this topic will be broadly the same, but “keep talking” is such a simple statement that it doesn’t really do much to highlight the importance of communication at all. That’s the crux of the matter, but if you want a more detailed breakdown, then do read on!

Before I get into these six different potential causes, perhaps I should tell you what happened to me. Normally, I live, breathe and dream kinky sex, but on Friday, it terrified me – yes, even as someone with more than fourteen years of experience! Matt was really keen to play, but in my head, it felt wrong. I had so much to do, both pre-Christmas and in terms of getting things ready to move to our new blog name. I was stressed, and in all, it felt like giving up control was the very last thing I should be doing. I couldn’t submit, I’d be fighting him for control, and I knew it.

So what can you do when it happens to you?

Maybe it’s… Anticipation

It’s been weeks since your last session. Tonight, the lights are down low and it’s go time. Oh my god, what should you be wearing? What should you be doing? How much does the flogger hurt again? Relax! Breathe! It’s okay to be nervous. If it’s been a while, you’re probably both feeling the pressure. If it’s your first session, you’re bound to have a lot of questions. The important thing is to communicate about this anxiety. Talk about your nerves so you can work together to make it better for the both of you. Talk about what you should be doing, what you should be wearing. if you are the submissive partner, ask your Dominant partner for guidance. In the moment, just try to focus on controlling your breathing, then, if you’re feeling it, let those anxious feelings go..

Maybe it’s… Fear

You had a really kinky idea, but now it’s time to try bringing your fantasies to life and you’d rather be anywhere but here. Relax! That’s totally normal. Remember that kinks and fantasies are very personal and very vulnerable parts of ourselves, and when we feel vulnerable, we naturally feel anxious, too. Take a deep breath and take a few minutes to yourself. Stand in front of a mirror and give yourself a quick pep talk. You wanted to try this, and it will either be fun, new and exciting, or it won’t be what you anticipated and you can talk about that afterwards, too. Either way, freedom always lies on the other side of fear.

Maybe it’s.. Performance anxiety

This one affects Dominants more often than submissive partners, and Matt talks about this one a lot. The pressure is on you to create a perfect scene and to make everything go according to plan. You are supposed to be the one in control, and so if you’re not fully n control of yourself and the scene, then the blame lies squarely on you. That’s a lot of pressure to put on anyone, and I always think it pays to remember that a Dominant partner is not legally obliged to engage in a session with a submissive partner at all. Be a little bit humble! This is supposed to be fun for both of you, so if it goes wrong, at least remember you tried. Try to remember that perfect BDSM sessions only happen in the movies, so if something goes wrong, talk about it afterwards and see if you can make it go better for you both next time. Not perfect! Just better, okay?

Maybe it’s.. Stress

This is the one that affects me more, and probably also a whole bunch of typically Type -A submissives. Your to-do list is as long as your arm and your also meant to be having a kinky evening. Sure, you could delegate tasks and have a little ‘you’ time, but you may also have a little bit of distrust in people to be able to do your tasks as well as what you can. When this happens, then you just can’t focus on BDSM. It’s not that you don’t want to play, it’s that you can’t, your mind is on your list. What about all of the other things you need to do?! Time management and prioritised to-do lists help (I absolutely love “Tasks” on Google Play for this), but if you’re really struggling to shift the gears, don’t forget to communicate. Any partner worth his or her salt will understand, and the extra-special ones will even want to help.

Maybe it’s… Just your mental health

Anxiety, depression, stress, grief. If you’re not feeling 100%, any of these can impact your interests in BDSM. Sometimes BDSM helps with anxiety and depression, but sometimes a blanket and some hot chocolate works better instead. Everyone has good days and bad days. Share your thoughts and feelings with your partner, but if you really need to hold off until your head feels a bit stronger, that’s perfectly okay.

Maybe.. You’ve lost interest

Gasp.. it seems unthinkable, doesn’t it? But it happens. People fall out of love with BDSM almost as fast as they fall in love with it, unfortunately, such is life. A loss of interest can happen for a variety of reasons; life events, health reasons, family circumstances and more. The important thing is always, always to communicate, out of respect for your partner and yourself. Sometimes these feelings are temporary, and sometimes your interests really have gone for good. When it happens, keep communicating, and need be, adapt circumstances in a way that suits you both.

I hope this post is insightful and informative and perhaps even offers some reassurances. Whatever is going on, remember that it’s okay, and these feelings most likely can and will be temporary. Second to that, never forget that the the most important thing you can do for your relationship is to communicate.

Until next time,

Stay safe & have fun,

Helen xx

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